No Woolman No Cry

Dear Professor Thorogood,

Why do my tears taste of salt and not another condiment?

p.s. Would it be wrong to cry in my chips?


regards,

Mr. Sneaks
Manchester



Why does cotton wool squeak when i bite it, is it alive?

regards,

Mrs. Sneaks
Manchester




Hello Mr. and Mrs. Sneaks!

A two part question this week. What a treat!

I'll tackle Mr. Sneaks and his salty tears first shall I? Very well.

For several years now, a zillion approximately, salt has been the predominant force on our planet. It powers our cities, clothes our children, and seasons our chips. The salt that you have in your tears comes from the 'Condimentius Collecticus' duct which is located inside the eye. As you can see in the diagram below, the CC Duct contains not just salt but sugar, BBQ sauce, and mustard. When a person cries, they will usually bow their heads to allow tears to leave the head via the Eye Holes in their eyes. The further the person bows their head, the more variations of condiment are released through the eye holes. For the majority of the time salt will be the only one to make it out, but should you bow your head to an ridiculous level whilst grieving for a dead relative, you will cry mustard tears. Try it!!!!!!!!




And yes Mr. Sneaks, it is wrong to use Eye Salt to flavour your chips as it can actually remove the taste from your food!!!!

And now Mrs. Sneaks, your cotton wool conundrum.

Yes. Cotton wool is alive. It thrives on ear wax and other bodily fluids but responds very badly to dental contact, hence the shrill squeal that it emits when bitten. If you want some science fun, take a 'Flump' of cotton wool and place it in a jar. Then play a Kanye West CD through a speaker directly facing the jar. Amazing eh?

Amazing eh indeed.

WHO LET THE SCIENCE OUT??!!!

Prof. Thorogood,
LMAO Institute.

Arachnid Allergies The Musical

Yo Prof

Can you settle an argument between me and my friend (deceased)?

I am of the opinion that spiders are allergic to funk whilst my friend (deceased) insists they are allergic to Jazz.

Please settle this argument once and for all.

Yours scientifically

Sir Trevor McDonald
Sydney, Australia


Hi Sir Trevor!!!!

Thank you for your question, let's strike up the band and start science dancing!!

This is a quandary that has puzzled many scientists over the years, so it's not just you and your friend (deceased) who are confused!

Of course, I have the answer.

I staged an experiment in my musical laboratory in the LMAO Institute. I took two normal spiders, let's call them Terry and June, and put them in sound tanks marked A and B. In Terry's tank (A) I piped in some 70's James Brown. At this stage in his career, James had left Country and Western music behind and had fully embraced FUNK (Fully Underground Nocturnal Kaleidoscope) music. In the other tank (B), I fed June some JAZZ (Jolly Average Zany Zen) music as performed by Miles Davis. Davis was originally named Bill but was christened 'Miles' by his fellow musicians due to his irritating habit of constantly making note of the distance he had travelled in order to reach the gig or recording session and then informing everyone in the room of the mileage individually. I left Terry and June to absorb their respective music and observed their reactions.

In the diagrams below I have described my findings.




Here you can clearly see that 'Terry' the spider is not allergic to FUNK music at all, and is even actively enjoying it! Look at his smile!!! In fact when I turned off the music, Terry jumped out and bit my face causing severe paralysis in my right cheek for 2 hours. Of course, I beat Terry to death with my shoe for this betrayal. Such is life.



This diagram, however, shows a much sadder situation. 'June' is showing a serious allergic reaction to the JAZZ music and his skin has come out in ridiculous green spots. Even his sad little mouth is green. The sound waves created by JAZZ are very sharp and pointy. They attack the listener and have been known to blind many terrified musicians during concerts. FUNK, on the other hand, produces large bubbles of sound which lightly caress the ears and face of the person listening. June died very quickly after I drew this diagram and I burnt his diseased corpse immediately as is scientific protocol.

So you see Sir Trevor, I fear your friend (deceased) was correct. Spiders are allergic to Jazz and not funk as you had argued. I hope this ends your debate. I really do. Two spiders died so that you and your late friend could have a definite answer. Frankly I am quite upset about the whole thing.

SCIENCE AWAAYYYYY!!!!!

Prof. Thorogood,
LMAO Institute.

What time are they?

Dear Professor,

Are some people time travellers that we don't know about, living in the world but really they are from the future?

From Socrates,
Manchester.

www.everythingsfine.net

Hi Socrates!

Wow! That's quite a question!!! I hope I have TIME to answer it!!!!

Of course I do.

Time travel has worried mankind for as long as I can remember. And quite rightly so. It's a dangerous old business. If you had asked this question only a few years ago Socrates, you would have been labelled as some kind of mentally mentalised paranoid ridiculant. Of course nowadays this is not the case. There ARE time travellers from the future walking amongst us today.

The following are examples of Time Travellers From The Future or TTFTF's:



This man's name is Zarfwad and he is from the year 3122. He told me that in the future there is a constant cold wind blowing at neck level throughout the USAUK where he lives. He likes to come here to the past in order to buy more old ladies head scarves with which to protect his future neck. You can clearly see his silver rocket pack on his back. This is from a trip he made to 2107. "It doesn't work as a rocket pack anymore" he told me, "but I make it work as an accessory".



These three Past-enthusiasts call themselves (L to R) Booragu, Tentatentent, and Cliiive. They have come here from the year 4111 for "the clubs mainly". Booragu is wearing the glasses made popular by one of the first TTFTFs, Sir Elton John. By the year 4111, the sun is only 3 miles away from the earth and these glasses are essential to avoid 'eye burn'. Tentatentent is wearing an explorer's outfit and holding a mechanical 'third eye' which would suggest she is bold, brave, and spiritually open but we can also quite clearly see she is also holding on tight to a piece of string which connects her back to her own time. One pull on this string and she will be transported straight back to her Cloudppartment in the sky of tomorrow. As for Cliiive, well he seemed quite the show off. When I took this photograph he insisted on playing his micro-invisi-monica. In the future, it would seem, harmonica's are made illegal and harmonica player's are hunted down and eaten. In order to keep their culture alive, they made their instruments very small and then also invisible. Cliiive was simply showing how laws of the future could be mocked in the past. He was a bit of a dick really.



This delightful couple were called Miss. Breenz and Mr. Banf. They told me that they had come to our time from the year 5p2! and represented the Leopardpeople of Bosh. The island of Bosh apparently had only humans and leopards as it's population. One new years eve, after a few drinks, they all got together and the resulting leopardpeople became the genetic norm. In this astonishing photograph Mr. Banf is attempting to catch the small cartoon bird that Miss. Breenz has just spat from her mouth. She did this throughout my interview and to be honest I thought her quite rude.

So there we go Socrates, they DO exist, and they are all around you. I hope my photographic evidence has soothed your questioning young mind. If you spot someone you think could be futuristic, why not stop them and ask them of tales from beyond our time!! I'm sure they'll have TIME to stop and chat!!!!!!

HMMMMMMM....science pie!!!


Prof. Thorogood,
LMAO Institute.

The Sky's The Limit

Dear Professor Thorogood,

How does the sky work?

Billy Crystal,
Norwich.


Hi Billy,

What a great question! The answer may surprise you...

For a long time, it was assumed that the sky was a huge sheet of canvas draped across the earth by God to cover it up when people came over to visit as he was more than a little embarrassed by it. This theory has come under a lot of criticism recently due to no one really being sure if God is still around anymore. No one has seen him for at least 36 years.

It is now widely believed that the sky is in fact a thick layer of condensation which coats the outer level of the earth's atmosphere, the 'Glass Fantastique' zone.



The sky's sole purpose is to keep sound from escaping from the earth's atmosphere and rendering our world mute. The sound leaves the point of origin (A phone for instance) and travels immediately upward (as gravity demands). It enters the sky which slows it down somewhat after which it reaches the Glass Fantastique zone and bounces off it. Thanks to The Sky the sound bounces off the glass at a safe speed and returns to our ears as a recognisable sound. You can see the process in a diagram below.



The white or grey 'clouds' you can often see in the sky are not Astro Sheep as popular science would have you believe, but are in fact the floating remains of 'Hard Sounds' which have burst upon impact with the G-Fantastique zone and have sadly not returned to earth. No one knows which sounds these are, I suppose we'll never know eh Billy?

Billy?

Now that's what I call Science!

Prof. Thorogood,
LMAO Institute.