Arachnid Allergies The Musical

Yo Prof

Can you settle an argument between me and my friend (deceased)?

I am of the opinion that spiders are allergic to funk whilst my friend (deceased) insists they are allergic to Jazz.

Please settle this argument once and for all.

Yours scientifically

Sir Trevor McDonald
Sydney, Australia


Hi Sir Trevor!!!!

Thank you for your question, let's strike up the band and start science dancing!!

This is a quandary that has puzzled many scientists over the years, so it's not just you and your friend (deceased) who are confused!

Of course, I have the answer.

I staged an experiment in my musical laboratory in the LMAO Institute. I took two normal spiders, let's call them Terry and June, and put them in sound tanks marked A and B. In Terry's tank (A) I piped in some 70's James Brown. At this stage in his career, James had left Country and Western music behind and had fully embraced FUNK (Fully Underground Nocturnal Kaleidoscope) music. In the other tank (B), I fed June some JAZZ (Jolly Average Zany Zen) music as performed by Miles Davis. Davis was originally named Bill but was christened 'Miles' by his fellow musicians due to his irritating habit of constantly making note of the distance he had travelled in order to reach the gig or recording session and then informing everyone in the room of the mileage individually. I left Terry and June to absorb their respective music and observed their reactions.

In the diagrams below I have described my findings.




Here you can clearly see that 'Terry' the spider is not allergic to FUNK music at all, and is even actively enjoying it! Look at his smile!!! In fact when I turned off the music, Terry jumped out and bit my face causing severe paralysis in my right cheek for 2 hours. Of course, I beat Terry to death with my shoe for this betrayal. Such is life.



This diagram, however, shows a much sadder situation. 'June' is showing a serious allergic reaction to the JAZZ music and his skin has come out in ridiculous green spots. Even his sad little mouth is green. The sound waves created by JAZZ are very sharp and pointy. They attack the listener and have been known to blind many terrified musicians during concerts. FUNK, on the other hand, produces large bubbles of sound which lightly caress the ears and face of the person listening. June died very quickly after I drew this diagram and I burnt his diseased corpse immediately as is scientific protocol.

So you see Sir Trevor, I fear your friend (deceased) was correct. Spiders are allergic to Jazz and not funk as you had argued. I hope this ends your debate. I really do. Two spiders died so that you and your late friend could have a definite answer. Frankly I am quite upset about the whole thing.

SCIENCE AWAAYYYYY!!!!!

Prof. Thorogood,
LMAO Institute.